Monday, November 16, 2009

I keep hoping I will forget

Yesterday it was eight years. Eight years since my first date with my fiancée. When will I forget this anniversary? We broke up three and a half years ago. I keep hoping and praying that one day on November 15th I wont actually feel the need to get drunk, or want to drink at all.

I really do not know why I even sometimes feel like a drink. It is not as though Peter and I had the best of relationships. But when it was good, it was really good. When it was bad, I really do not even like to think of when it was bad. But at the end of the day, I really loved him, and he really loved me.

Peter was a man who did not really stick up for himself to me, he let me walk all over him, but he was a man who stuck by my side when my parents split up. He stuck by my side when I moved from place to place. He stuck by my side when I quit my job. He stuck by my side when I changed majors.

But as in all relationships, especially the ones that happen when you are between the ages of 18-22, I changed. He changed. We grew up. I realized I wanted to see more of the world. I wanted to get out of LA. I wanted to become a librarian. He wanted to stay here, near his parents. So for this reason and a couple others, we broke up.

Ending a relationship of 4 1/2 years is tough. Harder when you have credit cards, car payments, cell phones and checking accounts all intertwined with one another. (Hey, we were going to get married, it seemed natural to have all that stuff together.) As it turns out, canceling a wedding is MUCH harder than actually planning a wedding.

In the end, we both loved each other very much, but not in the way we needed to in order to get married. Peter was however ready for marriage. He proved that when less than 1 1/2 years later he married another girl. Some days I am happy for him, others not. I think, how can he have a successful relationship when I cant even manage to date someone for more than 8 weeks. Is it me? Well I guess I am high maintenance. But then I guess I just need someone who likes to maintain me. HA HA.

At the end of the day, my life is not where I thought it was going to be at 26. But its not terrible either. I have friends who love and respect me, I have a job (which in this economy is GREAT, I have extra money in my account at the end of the month and the bills are paid, and I have a great mom who would do anything for me. Life isn't so bad at 26.
Now if only I could get the relationship part to work..... LOL

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